Sanctuary
by Svana
Summary: Harry thinks about what has happened and what's going to happen next. Set few hours after the final battle.


I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated with it. It all belongs to J. K. Rowling.

* * *

It was raining. Pouring even. Yet, Harry was sitting outside. On top of the Astronomy tower specifically. Someone would probably come looking for him soon, but he hoped they wouldn't. He wasn't ready. He couldn't believed it had only been few hours since it had finished, since the prophesy had been fulfilled. He'd slept a few hours, more peacefully than he remembered ever doing before, but when he'd woke, things felt... different.

He couldn't figure out whether this was the end of something, or the beginning. But least of all, he couldn't figure out what to do next. He'd never thought this far, to him, there was nothing waiting for him but Voldemort. Now that he was dead though, gone forever... He'd just never expected to survive it.

He couldn't help but wonder if he'd made the wrong choice. If maybe he should rather have stayed dead after Voldemort hit him with the killing curse. After all, anyone could have killed Voldemort by then since all the horcruxes, including the one inside him, had been destroyed. He could have just let them handle it, stayed dead, met his parents, Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore again... Fred, Tonks, Colin... He automatically raised a hand to stubbornly wipe away his tears but stopped midway, realizing that it wouldn't really matter, it was raining so hard. No one would see his tears.

He wouldn't tell anyone, but Remus' death had hit him harder than any of the others, including Dumbledore and Sirius. Remus had been so much to him. A mentor, a father figure, his last connection to his parents... the last true Marauder. That surely felt like an end of an era. He briefly wondered how they would have reacted if someone had told them back when they were all alive, that none of them would reach the age of forty, but dismissed the thought almost at once. It was too depressing.

He brought his knees to his chest and rested his arms and chin on them. His eyes automatically drifted towards the forbidden forest. To think that it had frightened him once, it was almost funny now. Now... now it looked inviting, serene, like... like a sanctuary. Hogwarts on the other hand... It had been his only home for so long, a place he always felt welcome, safe. It would never be the same again. Not to him. Now it would always bring him memories of death.

He could leave of course. Not just Hogwarts, he could leave everything. Go live as a muggle somewhere far away. That way, he might get some peace. After all, what had the magical world given him, really? The great majority had turned its back on him more often than he cared to count, and in between he was their hero, their saviour, expected to save them all! Well, he had, hadn't he? And what had it cost him? The lives of pretty much everyone he'd come close to calling family. They couldn't expect anything else from him. But they would. Experience told him that nothing was ever enough. He'd gotten rid of Voldemort for good yes, but there would be other threats, and he knew he'd be expected to take the lead against them.

He felt so tired suddenly. More tired than he had been in the morning, when everything was over. He wanted to lay down somewhere and sleep for weeks, months years... To never open his eyes again...

"Harry?"

He slowly lifted his head from where it had been resting on his wrists.

"Harry! You're soaking wet, you're shivering! What in Merlin's name are you doing up here?!"

Harry just stared at her. She was still wearing the same clothes she had been in the battle, even though they were dirty and ripped. There was even some blood on them... A sudden horror filled his mind and he looked at her critically.

"Ginny! Are you hurt?" He demanded.

She looked taken back by his question, but gave him an angry look.

"Me?! Harry, you fought possibly the darkest wizard ever to walk the earth mere hours ago and you didn't look too good before that, you slept for maybe four or five hours even though it's obvious you probably needed about forty, and you've been sitting here, out in a pouring rain for Merlin knows how long and then you ask me if I'm hurt?"

Harry didn't say anything. Instead he turned his gaze back towards the forest. A moment later he felt Ginny slid down to sit beside him.

"What happened out there?" She whispered after a long pause.

Harry didn't answer for a long time, but then, almost too softly for her to hear, he whispered "He killed me."

He felt her stiffen beside him, but didn't dare move or look at her.

"You really d-died back then?"

"Yeah..."

"Then how...?"

She didn't finish her question, seemingly unable to put it in words, but Harry knew what she meant anyway.

"I was given a choice. It didn't have to be me anymore, anyone could have finished off Voldemort by that time. I could have just... I could have stayed there, with my parents, Sirius, Remus..." He trailed off, feeling like he'd already gone through all this.

"Why didn't you?" Ginny asked after what felt like hours later. Her voice was trembling a little he noticed. Had she noticed the longing in his voice?

"I couldn't. I couldn't just leave everyone like that. I had to make sure Ron and Hermione didn't get hurt. That you didn't get hurt. I had to make sure he couldn't hurt anyone again. It wasn't because of the prophesy or anything like that that I demanded to fight him again. I just wanted to personally make sure no one else would have to go through what I have. The prophesy didn't have to come true. It never would have if Voldemort hadn't insisted on believing it. He's the one who made it more than just some stupid words coming from a crazy woman."

He fell silent again. The sound of the rain helped soothe him, drive some of the anger away, but it left a feeling of helplessness inside him.

"Harry?" Ginny said after a while, and he noticed that she wasn't sitting by his side anymore. "For what it's worth, I'm eternally grateful that you didn't choose to stay there. I know you're probably not exactly feeling good at the moment, and I'm not talking about physically, but whenever you're ready, I'm here okay?"

She bent down and gave him a light, almost unnoticeable kiss on the cheek.

"I won't tell them I found you, but please, for your own health, get yourself inside soon." She whispered before leaving him alone on the tower again.

He sighed audibly and let his forehead rest on his hands again. He loved her. More than anything or anyone before, he loved **her**. He knew of course, that if he stayed in the magical world, he'd never have the peace he craved, not in this life. This life would never be his to control. But she was worth it.

With a final glance at the forest, he slowly got to his feet. He wouldn't go there. Not yet. He would have to find himself another sanctuary. But it could wait. Now all he wanted was a hot shower and a warm bed. The rest could wait for him to wake again.


End file.
